The Baptism & Back to Work (Picture post follows)

Today seems like a pretty huge day for our family so it seemed appropriate to get off my duff and post an update! Our latest major milestone is that Kristen goes back to work full-time and we transition into being 2 full-time working parents. Because Maddy was never really a candidate for daycare, we (i.e. Kristen) found our nanny Taylor and today marks her first official day on the job. We've only met a few times but I'm very confident that she's going to do a fantastic job taking care of our little girl and of course, Baxter (who totally scores in this deal).

Because of my awesome work schedule, we'll only need her 3 days a week and the other two are going to be daddy-daughter days as I attempt to work from home and take care of our infant. We've done a couple trial runs of that setup so far and it's gone OK but as I've learned, everything is subject to change. I will admit to being very fright-cited about the prospect of spending an extra few days with her during the week but I really think I can do it. Time will tell.

The other major milestone over the weekend was Madeline's baptism . Living in the controlled chaos that is being new parents, her baptism snuck up on us. We've been going nine million miles per hour (just nine, 10 will be when Maddy goes mobile) since late July and by the time we sat down at baptism class 8 days ago, it just felt like one more thing we had to do. Thankfully, the class was structured in a way that made me realize how special this particular sacrament is to me. I'm never going to win any awards for world's best Catholic but sitting in the class, it really made me reflect on how fortunate and blessed our journey has been. It was only five months ago when I can remember sitting in the church praying to just be able to hold our tiny daughter that day and for her to stay strong. Flash forward and here we are, ready to introduce Madeline into our faith. Perhaps blessed is an understatement.

For the actual baptism, our little girl was an angel as always. She absolutely loves water so when the priest poured it over her head, she was initially startled by the dip down with her eyes going wide but then, with the water came the smiles. She slept quietly through the rest of the ceremony with the oil on her head and blessings in her ears and mouth, content to suck on her pacifier and snooze the afternoon away. The priest even commented that it was OK just this time for her to sleep in church.

Without going into a million Maddy stories (teaser for 6 month post from Kristen next week), she's doing amazing and I always seem to find myself commenting on how easy it has seemed so far. She's somewhere around 12-13 pounds and growing bigger, stronger, and faster everyday. Health wise, everything is A-OK and we're into the wait-and-see phase as far as any developmental delay. Teething has started and that has made her a little more squawky but nothing the super team of Kristen and I can't handle.

Her favorite thing in the entire world is a purple moose that we've creatively named Mr. Moose. In the mornings right after I'm done feeding her, I'll usually put her down on her play mat and she'll start wailing away at him. As a proud Papa, I have dubbed her actions the Hulk smash and it cracks me up every time. Sometimes she'll mix it up with some pulling and chomping but mostly, its smashing!

It's not really news but she started smiling a couple months back and at this point, I think she might be refining into a very precise weapon of Daddy destruction. That smile of hers makes my day each and every time and I'm sure she'll start using it for her own purposes before I even realize it.

All of the pictures are coming in a follow-up and separate post but before I get to that, I wanted to thank all of our friends and family that came out this weekend to help celebrate our special day. We were very touched to have such a big crowd in the church and it made a great day even better.

Baptism Pictures

Now that you've made your way through the lengthy post, now onto the fun stuff, pictures!

Here's some of the pre-baptism shots:

Madeline! Her gown is a family heirloom of mine and it's been passed down 3 generations now. My mother, brother, and I all wore it during our baptisms. She also has two necklaces on, the first was Kristen's during her baptism and the second was a gift from her godmother, Jeanine.

Godparents (left to right)
My father, Nick
Kristen's sister, Jeanine
Our friend Scott

Here's some shots from the church:

5 Month Update

Its been a busy month for Maddy and somehow, its time for her 5 month update!!

Before we get to the fun stuff, here are some milestone updates:
Weight:  ~10.5lbs (accurate to about a week ago)
Clothes:  Mostly 0-3 and small 3 month
Length: ~21.5 in
Food:  ~22oz/day (3-4oz per serving)
Sleep:  THROUGH THE NIGHT  (~10pm-6am)...thank you Maddy :)
Misc Milestones:

She's found her hands...and LOVES them!!  She's starting to self-soothe by SHOVING her entire fist into her mouth.  Occasionally she'll settle for a finger or two...but mostly, she goes for it all (thats my girl)!!!

Maddy will deliberately smile back at us and she's even started to "coo" almost like a laugh when we're acting goofy around her...its the most adorable thing EVER!!  I know she's probably thinking...how did I end up with these goofs as parents?!?

We're still working on tummy time, which she now HATES unless she's sleeping (then she LOVES it).  She has great neck/head control when she's on our chest or sitting up (supported)...now we just have to get her a little stronger when she's on her tummy!!

She LOVES playing on her mat and really goes to town batting at the toys dangling above her.  Her movements are more deliberate now and she's even started to grasp for the toys.


This past month, Maddy celebrated her first 4th of July with friends at a cookout...

She also got to see her first Cubs game at Wrigley Field....and just for her, the Cubs actually WON!!

She also had a great time meeting family in Ohio...




 ...spending time sleeping in her great grandma's arms..

...admiring great grandpa's "clucking" noises :)






...and went "swimming" for the first time




We can't wait for next year when she'll be running around with her big cousin Emily and new little cousin Rosie  :)






Up next is her first plane trip to Virginia to meet friends and family....say a little prayer for us that everything goes well on the plane :)

Too cute not to post :)

My smiley girl...

4 Month Update

I can't believe she's 4 months old already... Happy Birthday Madeline!!!  Maddy has

Smiley baby!

been doing well at home with us.  She is, for the most part, a very happy, smiley baby and we are having a blast getting to know her better.  I think one of the biggest changes in the time she's been home is the discovery of her "voice".  Let me tell ya, girlfriend can yell!  I try to keep this in perspective though, considering how long we waited for that voice.  I can't help think every time she cries, "well, at least we know her lungs are working"!  She seems to have a "witching hour" between 8 and 11 at night where she's almost inconsolable.  However, (no jinx) for the past 3 nights, she has SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT....ahhhhhhhhh!!  So, if my trade off for a full night sleep is a few fussy hours....SOLD!

Victoryyyy!!!

Developmentally, Maddy is very appropriate for her 1 month adjusted age.  In preemie world, until 2 years of age she will have 2 "ages"... her actual age, which is her age according to her actual birthday (currently 4 months) and her adjusted age, which is her age from my original due date (~1 month currently).  It would be really unfair to expect her to be acting like a 4 month old at this point, so in terms of development, she's appropriately acting more like a 1 month old.  She really enjoys tummy time and shows great head control.  She can lift her head from completely prone to about 30 degrees, and can lift and turn from side to side if she is on my chest.  She's a champ in the eating department as well, taking 2.5-3.5oz per feeding every 2-4 hours during the day, depending on her mood :P

She loves her play mat!!

Tummy time turned nap time!

Love those eyes!!

The only follow up we still need from her time in the NICU is for her eyes.  All of the mild ROP has resolved but her eyes are still a little immature.  This just means the ophthalmologist needs to follow her until full maturity but its very likely there will be no intervention needed for her eyes!

A couple of weeks ago, Maddy had her first Early Intervention (EI) evaluation.  For those who are not familiar with this, it is a state-run program aimed to catch developmental delay in infants and toddlers as early as possible.  Maddy's birth weight automatically qualified her for the service.  For babies, its crucial to get treatment for abnormal/delayed development early because their brains are very plastic and they can really do some amazing catching up with early help!!  Maddy was evaluated by PT, OT, Speech and Developmental therapists and because she is doing so well, they all decided there was no need for services yet.  This is good news and she will be evaluated again in 3 months to make sure she's still on track!

Also in this past month, we attended a NICU reunion.  It was nice to see some of the nurses and doctors who cared for Madeline, and it was truly a sight to see how many preemie success stories there are just at our hospital.  We decorated a butterfly with Maddy's name and birth stats to be displayed in the hospital.  I definitely got a little choked up to look down the table at all of the butterflies!  There were babies who weighed half of Maddy's birth weight, and some who weighed significantly more...all alive and well!  I can't imagine a more rewarding (and challenging) job and we are eternally grateful for those directly involved in her care!

Will also ran theSoldier Field 10 miler at the end of May, which he dedicated to Madeline and The March of Dimes.  Thanks to some generous donations from friends and family, we were able to cut a check for $1,000.  Thanks again to those who donated to this cause so near and dear to our hearts!

That is about all for the updates for now.  We are looking forward to the rest of our Chicago summer with visitors and trips to see family in Ohio and Virginia!  Thanks again for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers!  Here are some more pics from the past month...enjoy!!

Enough with the pictures, mom!!!

The beginning of a beautiful friendship!

Still my little girl with teeny hands!

I want to soak up this precious face!!

All dressed up!

Go Cubbies!

Always with the arms up!

Cutest stink eye ever!

Guest Blog: D-Day and a Birth Story

Today would have been my due date. It is crazy to think I should be nervously and uncomfortably awaiting signs of labor right now.   I should be feeling the stretches, kicks, and punches I'm so in love with from the inside.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for our beautiful, healthy little girl and I love having three extra months together.  However, I can't help feeling cheated from the birth and pregnancy experience of my dreams.  

Moms of term babies might think I'm crazy for wanting to experience labor, delivery and the third trimester in all its painful glory. But its true!  I wish like hell things had been different.  Instead of a big prego belly and swollen ankles, we have a 3 month old baby!!!  It's difficult to comprehend how much our lives have changed in 3 short months and on this day, I can't help but reflect on our journey.  

I have been working on Madeline's birth story for some time.  Today, it seems appropriate to share this with all of you who have prayed, cried and celebrated along with us for the past 3 months. We appreciate you all very much! 

This is our story.  

Will and I are planners.  With that being said, when we found out we'd be meeting our daughter much earlier than expected, we weren't ready.  Aside from her name, we had nothing.

I developed pregnancy induced hypertension at approximately 20 weeks.  My doctor, who seemed overly conservative with a few other issues earlier on, didn't appear to be concerned initially.  However, she decided to have me perform the "gold standard" pre-eclampsia test, "just to be safe".  It was Tuesday afternoon when I received a call that I needed to be evaluated at the hospital immediately.  It was then I knew.  I knew our life was about to change, and it was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.  I called Will at work and told him he needed to come home.  I started to cry as I pulled out clothes I would need him to bring me when I didn't come back home that night. I knew.  

I was admitted to the hospital hoping we could extend my 26 week pregnancy for as long as possible.  It was over the next several days my frustration set in.  I've always been in control.  How could I have absolutely no control of my body?  I watched as my vitals, and the baby's vitals were monitored...constantly!  It was explained to me that the nature of Pre-E meant that while things were stable now, it could change quickly.  My new reality set in after a few days.  I wanted a crystal ball to plan for what was next.  When will I deliver?  When will I go home?  Will she be ok?  No one could answer my questions, but it eventually became clear that we were looking at a matter of days and maybe weeks, but not months...and certainly not the 3 months I needed to deliver a full term baby.  

We celebrated when things remained stable and, at one point, actually thought I might come home still pregnant.  I began to fall into a routine.  Sleep was interrupted every few hours to check things out (boy do I miss uninterrupted sleep), my blood would be drawn and doctors would round ridiculously early every morning.  This began to feel normal. Every morning was the same at first, "everything looks stable for now, so we'll keep monitoring"... which was almost immediately followed by "but things can take a turn at any moment". It was the most unpredictable and uncontrollable situation I'd ever been in, and I could tell it was serious.  There was nothing I could do to change the course of my condition and there was nothing that could have prevented it either. 

Will was amazing from the moment he received my call, and he stepped up to fulfill my needs without skipping a beat.  I thought I couldn't love him more than I did before we began this journey, but I was wrong!  He was my rock through this and I believe we have, and will continue to emerge from this journey stronger for having been through it!

My mom arrived 3 days after I was admitted and it was a relief to have her for support.  As wonderful as Will was, her help meant someone could be home with Baxter and with me every day.  I missed my pup something fierce, so knowing he was well cared for was one less thing to worry about!

I felt a sense of calm as soon as she walked into my hospital room.  It was lost on me how serious my condition was at the time.  It wasn't until several weeks later when she admitted she would go home and 'lose it' at night that I allowed myself to reflect on how sick I became.  I'm not sure I can ever express what it meant to have her with Will and I during this time! We spent our days walking the halls, catching up on last year's season of Revenge, and planning how we could smuggle Baxter into my room without getting caught.  She didn't immediately purchase a return ticket home and on Sunday morning, after several days of status quot, we started discussing her return to VA since discharge (still pregnant) seemed possible.  Oh, how quickly things change.

The Oscars were on the night things "took a turn", but there were clues along the way that my condition was worsening.  After almost a week of IVs and blood draws, my swelling had increased to a point where there was literally no viable vein left in either hand or arm.  They called in specialists just to get a simple blood draw and I started to think about all the cute shoes I'd have to get rid of because surely my ankles and feet would never be the same! 

I began to develop a nagging headache and Sunday night, just hours after the "maybe I'll head back to VA because it looks like this could go on for weeks" conversation with my mom,and my blood pressure began to creep toward an unacceptable level.  This prompted the doctors to administer IV medicine in an attempt to lower it...this was just the beginning. 

Just as they announced Argo for best picture, 3 nurses ran, yes ran, into my room with a look of concern on their faces.  "We need to find the baby, you need to turn on your side".  They searched for a heartbeat with the monitors over my belly and had me turn from side to side.  It was the first time I was really scared since being admitted to the hospital.  I could feel the nurse's hand shaking as she tried to remain calm.  "Start an IV and call the doctor," she ordered the other nurses.  After a few agonizing minutes, I finally heard the most beautiful sound of my baby's heartbeat.  She explained that her heartbeat decelerated and I was being moved to labor and delivery for closer monitoring.

In a flash, Will (who had somehow slept through the drama) was following me as I was wheeled, somewhat recklessly, to my new L&D room.  I was hooked back up to the monitors with several doctors and nurses in the room, and it was explained to me that I would be monitored there because we were close to the OR "just in case".  I remember the doctor saying I could go back to my room if things settled down with the baby...but I had a feeling I wouldn't be returning to my room with this baby still inside!

Incredibly drowsy from the magnesium drip I had been on for hours and overall lack of sleep from the constant blood pressure/vitals monitoring, I moved to the not-exactly-meant-for-sleeping L&D bed and was told to "get some sleep"...HA!  Actually, I do think I eventually succumbed to exhaustion and got some much needed sleep.  I had a feeling of what the morning would bring, but I wouldn't let myself "go there" until I had to.  Sure enough, when my doctors rounded the next morning, I was told in the most gentle way possible, that it was no longer healthy for me, or the baby, to remain pregnant.  For the first time, I lost it.  So many thoughts ran through my head at that moment.  I was scared.  Scared for my baby...she shouldn't be here yet!  Then the guilt...oh the guilt!  My body let me down, there was nothing I could do.  I had one job and it was to cook this baby until she was ready...what kind of mother am I?  Looking back now I can think rationally, but in that moment, I could not!

Next, we spoke with a neonatologist who matter-of-factly explained what to expect after delivery.  He went through possible scenarios and a host of common preemie complications.  It was then we first heard of "brain bleeds" and "NEC"...horrible sounding complications that my tiny little baby could experience, all because I couldn't carry her to term.  I wouldn't wish this kind of worry on my worst enemy.  Bringing a child into this world is hard and scary enough, even in the most uncomplicated of circumstances.  These worries continued to consume our every thought after Madeline was born...but that's another blog entirely!

I spoke with my OB who explained how we would induce labor to try for a vaginal delivery.  The world was spinning, and everything happened quickly.  I was terrified of what was to come, yet, excited to meet my daughter!  I would have given anything to stay pregnant and safely "cook" her to term, but that wasn't possible and I was ready to meet her!  My OB began meds to induce labor, and I'll spare you details, but it became very clear that my body was NOT ready to deliver this baby!  In and out of sleep, somehow over 24 hours elapsed...and still no real progress.  

24 hours after I received the news that I would be delivering my daughter, her heart rate decelerated for at least a second (or possibly third) time..details are a little fuzzy.  The OB on service that day was standing by me, staring at the monitor and said, "I'm standing here because if this happens again, we'll have to take you to the OR for a c-section."  Her face was serious and I was in a daze.  I was running on very little sleep and by that time was on magnesium, morphine and had just received an epidural!  I was exhausted!  To be very honest, I wasn't sure how I would possibly have the strength to push this baby, albeit teeny baby, out of my body. 

I remember thinking, why? Why are we waiting?  Why are we risking another heart deceleration?  I mean, her heart is slowing down!  Through my drug and exhaustion induced haze, I spoke up.  "Why are we waiting, can we just do this now?"  My OB turned to me with a look of relief...."yes", she said.  I'm so thankful for her response because on a day where I had no control over anything else, she confirmed in that moment that my first decision as a mommy was a good one.

My cesarian wasn't an emergency, "emergent" is what they called it.  Either way, within minutes I was being prepped for surgery.  SURGERY!  Up until this point, the most significant health issue I'd ever had was a few stitches when I was a kid.  Now I'm having surgery?!? I wish in the moment I was more alert.  But to be completely honest, I was about to have a baby and I could barely keep my eyes open!  Will was beside me with the best brave face he could muster for me and our little girl.  He rubbed my head as we both anxiously awaited the moment.  It was only a matter of minutes until we heard "congratulations mom and dad, its a girl." Then the neonatologist quickly said, "turn your head," and that was when I first saw her.  A brief blur in my peripheral vision, but Madeline was here and she was beautiful!

Then, I heard the most beautiful sound, the sound of my baby's cry!  I wasn't sure what to expect, she was so early! I must not have expected to hear a cry because I remember feeling surprised when we were able to hear her!  Her cry sounded more like a cat's meow than a human cry...but it was the most beautiful sound nonetheless!  A minute or two later, the doctor called Will over to her.  I was so relieved because this meant she was stable enough for him to snap a few pictures...this meant she was breathing on her own!  It seemed like an eternity, but really was only a few minutes before Will returned to my side with pictures on his phone.  She was beautiful and looked just like her daddy!

She didn't seem that small in the pictures, but she was!  At a birth weight of 880 grams or 1lb 15oz...she was small, scary small! Will was so proud of his little girl though, you would have never known by the look in his eyes that she was as small and fragile as she was. Because I had to wait for the magnesium sulfate medication to finish before I could get out of bed, I didn't get the chance to experience her for another long 24 hours. Thankfully my room was very close to the NICU because Will bounced back and forth regularly with updates, and more pictures!

The next morning, I anxiously awaited finishing that awful mag drip! Being confined to bed tried every ounce of patience I had, and those who know me must know how difficult that was!  I needed to see my girl!  I needed to feel like a mom!  

Walking into the NICU was surreal.  I didn't know how I would feel seeing her attached to machines, IVs and in an incubator...nothing can really prepare you for that. Surprisingly, my first feeling was that of relief.  Don't get me wrong, she was scary small and I felt like I would break her with the slightest touch of my hand. I'm sure I was scared.  Her hands and feet were the size of the tips of our fingers, and her head was no larger than a tennis ball.  Her skin was translucent and she had a beautiful head of  brown hair!  I couldn't believe she was here and no longer in my belly but I just knew she would be ok!  Perhaps it was denial or naivete, but I believe, for really the first time in my life, I was coping through sheer faith.  Certainly I had no control, so I had to believe a higher power was at work here. She is a miracle, of that I have no doubt!

The next several hours/days/months were filled with so many emotions...happiness, sadness, fear, and exhaustion.  I was a mess emotionally!  I had a daughter....but I couldn't hold her, kiss her cheeks and forehead or feel the snuggle of her skin against my chest...and forget about bringing her home ANY time soon.  Every birth story I had ever heard talked about an intense love and mommy connection that consumes you as soon as you see your baby. I loved her to the moon and back, but I didn't feel like a mom.  She didn't need me, she needed so much more than I could give.  In fact, in those early days, I felt like I might be doing more harm than good.  This was not how its supposed to be, but it was our new reality.  Looking back now, I wish I could have told myself..."it gets better, just wait, its so worth it!"  And it is..it so is!  

So there our birth story ends, and the rest of our life as a family of 3 begins.  It has been a beautiful experience to see Madeline overachieve her way through the challenges and promised roller coaster of ups and downs during her first two months of life.  With that behind us...I can't wait to see what's next!

Here is a look back in pictures..we've come a long way!!